my reality

I have to be honest, I have written about five drafts of this blog because there is just so much to explain, as well as the fact that it all happened in such a short amount of time. I mean think about it, seven years really isn't that much time when our average life time is 80 or so years. Explaining this is a bit difficult and will probably be confusing at first but bear with me, I swear it will all make sense at some point...maybe.

Well, I guess there's no better place to start than the beginning, age seven. Little impulsive second grade me got my first concussion after church one day. Wow! Who would have thought this would be the start of a trend of concussions! So exciting am I, right? Not to mention, the summer after that I found out I was gluten and dairy sensitive. I bet you cannot believe how siked I was for that, huh? Anyway, fast forward to the next school year, third grade, concussion number two, baby. Oh right, I actually got this one as I had a cast on my arm from breaking it weeks prior. Maybe a bit accident prone, I have to admit.

Now, these two concussions definitely messed up my life a bit. The first one I am prone to believe led to my food sensitivities, weird how that all goes together am I right? You’ll be surprised to learn how much of this actually goes hand in hand. Next, after the second bump, I started vision therapy, my favorite thing ever. Yep, I just loved spending that following summer attending vision therapy 2-3 times a week that I didn’t even see any improvement from. The whole reason I started this was because my reading level was in, I’d say, the worst percentile a third grader could be in, but my mom being the reading and dyslexia specialist she is knew I had no kind of learning disability, so we had to look into other possible reasons. The eye doctor figured that those two concussions could have messed with the muscles and functioning of my eyes, so he decided to put me in vision therapy in hope to strengthen the muscles back up. I have to say looking back now that it must have helped me. Back then I hated reading and was extremely bad at it, and now I love it and start a new book every two weeks.

These next two bumps I must say weren't the most severe, but as you can imagine with the damage from my past concussions they definitely didn’t help. With this, the third bump I had wasn't even direct contact to my head. I actually fell out of a tree flat on my back, even better, I know. This happened at the beginning of my fourth grade year, my first year at Girard, actually. As you can imagine, being at a new school was a struggle as it is, but with the effects from the concussion, it was my hardest year yet. But oh don't worry, years to come were much harder. In fifth grade, I got my fourth and final bump. Perhaps the least severe of them all, but it was just enough to really set my health over the top. All that happened was getting hit in the head by a basketball, but I guess that's all it took. At this point I had a new set of problems. My mom was alerted by my language arts teacher that I had begun reversing letters, every “b” and “d” I wrote. I had never done this before. I ended up with a 504 plan, which gave me accommodations at school because I couldn’t read in a straight line or do bubble tests without getting all goofed up.

Next to tell about fifth grade, and the following years of middle school. This is when I realized my ADHD was beginning to get out of control. Oh right, I forgot to mention, I have that too. I have had it since I was little, but the concussions really affected it. I know, doesn't really make sense how that works, but don't worry I will explain all that in another post. So, that year I got put on my ADHD medicine for the first time, although I didn't let that last long. I shortly took myself off of it because I was actually embarrassed by it. I would have never admitted it back then, but it didn't sit right with me that I had to take a pill for my brain to function even half as well as the other kids already were. The rest of my middle school years were pretty much the same, I struggled in school, but I just decided I had to put in tons more effort than the other kids so I could maintain A’s and the occasional B. I also was attending multiple doctors appointments still, but I didn't really try to do anything to get better, I was just being the avoider in this case, hoping my problems would fix themselves. By the way, they didn't, crazy I know.

Now that I have talked about how my concussions affected my learning, let me tell how they affected my overall health. Although my concussions aren't the only factor to why I am so sick, I know they play a role in it. The other causes are still up in the air, but hey I’m working on it at least. Everyday since I can remember, I've been sick. You know those days that you wake up and just can feel that today is going to be tough to get through? That's my reality. Frankly, I dont think Ive ever had a day where I feel “good.” Don't worry, I have figured out how to adapt to feeling like this, but some days are just too much to handle. Now, let me try to explain to you how it feels. I wake up, extremely exhausted already, with a stomach and headache lingering around. I get to school, and still feel this way, if not worse. I go through my day still feeling like this, worse even, but I just do what I have to do to get through the day. With that, if you know me personally, now you know that when I say I feel sick, it's because I really do.

I'd like to explain now why I'm starting to finally take charge of how I am feeling. These last two years have probably been the hardest ever, health and school wise. Not a good mix let me tell ya. I started ninth grade back on my ADHD pill after putting myself back on it because I finally realized while doing an online summer class is how much it actually helps. But little did I know, it would end up affecting me in a negative way as well. Ninth grade I have to say wasn't nearly as bad as this year, I got migraines often and had to work so much harder than everyone else at my school work because I felt I had to be the best, no matter what it took. I did have problems with eating, that is, because when I take a stimulant twice a day for my ADHD, it completely shuts off my appetite. Although, I seemed to manage it well last year.

Well, this is perhaps the most important part of this entire blog. This is what really put me over the edge and is my reason for everything I'm doing. So if you decide to actually read any part of this blog I hope it is this. This year. Wow. Never did I think my sophomore year of highschool, supposably the best year, would be so hard. I'll try not to give you information overload because I know this blog is already very lengthy, but I really can't stress enough how much has been going on since August. Let me start with cross-country. I had a very rough start and was sick nearly every practice and ended up just getting worse throughout the season and unable to finish the last month of it. This was extremely hard for me, running is my absolutely favorite thing and I take so much pride in it, it kills me to know I have not yet lived up to my full potential. Now this school year was something else. Every week I felt there was another problem being added whether it was my stomach, head, concentration, energy, anything you can think of.

As well, my grades aren't nearly as good as they have been because I truly can't put in the extra effort that I always have because I no longer have that extra energy to put into it. Everyday I have to put all my energy into just getting through the school day. Some days I don't even have enough energy to do that. My days this year have been the same as last, but with extra struggles. I remember walking into school one day thinking to myself that I felt as if I had just run 10 miles with no food or water in my body. I felt like a zombie. Ever since that day that same feeling has continued almost every day. I found myself falling asleep in class, tutorial, even at lunch. Which leads me to my next concern, eating. I am taking my pill again, so that means my appetite is shot. On days I take my pill It's hard to even force myself to eat. That, obviously, was not helping my already sick body. Without the pill I could at least eat more, but that same week I got a 20% on my history test. 20. How that even is possible is beyond me, but thats how much that stupid pill affects my learning. Not to mention, I was still experiencing the same symptoms even off the pill.

Here we are now, still experiencing all these same symptoms. The day I'm writing this I actually spent my whole day lying on my couch. It's currently 10 pm and I am finally finding the energy to write this. Now with all I've told you in this long blog about my health history, I still have no clear answer to what is causing me to feel this bad, nor how to solve it. I am now just reading every book imaginable and researching everything I can to feel better. For now, I am just hoping I can help anyone else who is even half as stuck as I am. I know eventually everything will be put together and I will be able to live my life, happy, and healthy. So, until then, I will not give up.