mind is a prison

Welp, it’s been a while. I haven't posted a blog in about 3 months now. I wrote some drafts and had a lot of ideas for some to post, but just couldn’t get myself to complete anything, which now I'm realizing is for the better. If I would have posted during these past three months it would have just ended up being me complaining, plain and simple, and that’s not what I wanted my blogs to be, but that’s where my mind was pretty much since March I would say. So, I just took a break from posting these, and a lot has changed since then. I've gotten worse and better at the same time, except this month has pretty much just been worse. What has been going on in my brain has been extreme terror.

In all my last blogs, all of the symptoms I had experienced were physical, the headaches, stomach aches, body pains, and fatigue were all pretty terrible, but all stuff I was able to handle, I mean I have been dealing with those symptoms for over half my life now. I had no idea that there was a whole new wave of things that I didn't even know were possible.

The two days after my last posts I experienced what I later learned were neurological symptoms of my illness, chronic inflammatory response syndrome. I guess you could call them neurological episodes. Honestly, I have no idea how to explain the feelings I’ve been having or what I’ve been going through, but I will do my best. I've been dying, I haven't been dying, but I've been dying.

I still don't have any good way to explain this, even though it has been going on since May. When it begins I feel “off”, that’s the only way I can explain it. I begin to feel physical sensations. What is happening, in a sense, is that my brain is convinced that my tongue is swollen, but it's not. My brain is convinced that I am not getting enough air in my lungs, but I am. My brain is convinced that I cannot swallow, but I can. I feel like a visitor in my mind. I get confused and have difficulty speaking clearly and making sense of what people are telling me. All I can do is sit in fear and wait for it to pass. When it is really bad, I call either my doctor or the only other person I know who has gone through this, in hopes to help me calm down while I go through it.

The first time it happened, I remember laying on the bathroom floor with the same phrase going through my head, “You are dying...” And I believed it, and even after having probably over a dozen of these “episodes” now, I still believe it when it's happening, and that’s probably the most horrifying part.

Now I know it seems like some kind of anxiety or panic attack but it’s not the same. It’s also not something caused by worry or a reaction to something that is happening, this is something so far out of my control, so much more. It is happening because my brain is sick, and damaged. I've been asked while going through this, “What’s the worst that could happen?” in an attempt to rationalize things, but all I can think is “I die.”

About a month before this first started happening to me I had a dream. I was unable to speak, I had the same feeling, I was dying, I tried to escape, escape my own brain, all I could do was sit there and go through it. When I woke up, I remember thinking to myself, “I don’t think I'd be able to go on if that ever happened.'' It's now been happening weekly.

All I can do is sit and cry. I may as well be floating beside my body, I have no control. Part of me is aware by now that I'm not going to become unable to breathe, my heart is not going to stop beating, I'm not going to die, but I fear I am. It’s real, but it’s not. As much logic that I throw at myself during these episodes, I still can’t escape the fact that this is happening, but it’s not. I know this is probably seeming dramatic and farfetched, but this is exactly what is happening in my mind.

I'm not even safe in my sleep. Sleep may even be more frightening. The dreams I have been having are worse than anything I could have imagined. Every. Night. And most take place in school or a doctor’s office. It's starting to become hard to differentiate my dreams from reality, my nightmares. All part of the healing process.

My brain is locked in shambles.

And you would only understand that, if you went through it.

I hope you never have to understand.

It's all becoming so normal, but not becoming less scary.

My body is sick, I should be scared, I never know what could happen. I should be scared of getting covid, I should be scared of being away from home, I should be scared that the only doctor that can help me is two hours away. I should be scared, because I know I'm not well.

I find myself at times getting very resentful. I get resentful seeing my peers live their life, I get resentful that they will never fully understand.

I was watching a stream the other day. The boy, just a year older than me, got covid, as he was talking about how much it was affecting him and how much it set him back, and I was getting angry. I was angry because I was listening to him explain what I go through everyday, just a fraction of what I go through. I was angry as he explained how exhausted he felt, how awful his mind felt, how it was so much of a burden for him, how he was unable to do anything, and no one expected him to. I was angry that I live like that everyday, and am expected to live like everyone else.

I am angry that that made me angry.

But I'm also glad. I'm glad.

God has worked on me this past year more than I ever thought He could, He is putting me through this to show I am much stronger than I ever thought I was, than I ever thought I could be. He is opening my eyes to things I never would have thought twice about. Even the nights I lay in bed asking why I can't just be done, why He hasn't healed me yet, I know He has a reason, and one day I will look back with nothing but joy.

Even if this isn't even the worst yet, even if I keep getting more and more sick, I know He will be with me through it all. He has gotten me through every day that I was so sure I was going to die, I'm still here. I am content, even if He decides to stop my heart tomorrow, I will know I've done everything He has called me to, and I will be okay.

Romans 8:18 “Yet what we suffer now is nothing compared to the glory He will reveal to us later.”