just me

Time to be real. Honestly, looking back with these blogs, I feel kind of guilty. I have you all fooled that I am maintaining this perfectly planned life and I have everything figured out. That could not be further from the truth. If I’m being completely real, I really have not been doing so well at taking my own advice.

I’m sick. And yeah, it’s really awful, but as of right now, I have no control over it. I have no control over this problem until doctors can tell me what’s wrong. I’ve been letting myself dwell on the fact I cannot change any part of this problem and how it’s taking over my life. All of this is true, sure, but there’s actually a lot more.

I’ve been blaming everything in my life on being sick. I’ve let myself get bad. As much as I hate talking about it, physical sickness isn’t the only thing I struggle with. My mind is actually extremely bad right now. I hate even thinking about being mentally sick, writing this is a big stretch for me. It’s like I don’t want to admit it because I don’t want to think about it because I don’t want to have to fix it. I am now being the avoider.

For such a long time I have been struggling with mental illness, no one would have guessed it though. All day I seem happy and like I don’t have a care in the world, even when I have bad days, I barely let people see it. Sure people have seen me actually sad at times, but it’s not much to think about because everyone gets sad. It just seemed so much easier to blow off and pretend.

The thing with me is, if I am going through any kind of tough spot, I push everyone away and just keep to myself. Probably the worst coping mechanism. But I didn’t want anyone to think I could actually be depressed. When I’m sad, I just tell people, “Oh I just don’t feel good again,” or, “Oh yeah, I’m just tired really.” In my mind that’s the best thing to do, I can’t look weak. It’s really hard for me to go to anyone for help, and be completely honest with them.

That leads me to another thing, pride. Growing up with my brother, my pride is way too high to admit I’m sad. That just seems pathetic. I’ve learned how to turn things into sarcasm, make humor out of it. Probably one of my worst and best features. Things get bad? Oh that’s fine, I’ll just joke about it. I don’t want anyone to think I’m sensitive.

I really felt the need to write this because, honestly, I am at the worst point I’ve ever been. Everything is crashing down on me. I actually wrote three blogs last week that I now feel like I can barely post because, really, I’m not even doing good. The thing is, I know everything I’m writing about is real and does work, but I feel like I can’t let everyone reading these believe I have everything laid out perfectly. But instead I am avoiding the whole situation, not even listening to myself. Writing these blogs though, makes me feel like even if I may be hiding how I’m really doing, I can at least help someone else.

This past week has been a mess. After just getting back to school I found out I had to quarantine for being in close contact with someone who later was diagnosed with COVID. We are living in a pandemic, it really is bound to happen. That night I found out I was an absolute mess. I have been feeling worse and worse and still have no answers. My grades aren’t nearly as good as years prior, I’m barely even turning things in. My sleep schedule is a mess again, I’m not eating as well as I could be, and sucked into my phone more than ever. Nothing I am doing is helping me. Yet, I don’t care. I don’t. I know it’s awful and I know I probably should, but how could I? Right now it’s like nothing has purpose and it’s not worth putting effort into things when I see no solid future for me. Nothing seems to have a purpose. So really, why bother?

It really hurts to be going through days like this. Let me take you through it. I wake up, exhausted, but I shower and try to look good, not letting anyone see anything different. I try to eat, which is next to impossible. I hate it actually. With such a limited diet and my ADHD pill, it makes it incredibly hard to get food into me. If I could go without ever having to eat anything of substance again that would be great. But yeah, I know I have to eat to feel ok, so I try. Then I take whatever vitamins and supplements my mom gives me, they are so hard to get down. I go through online school, just logging in and going through the motions, like a robot. All I can think about is how much I miss social interaction, I miss my teachers. By 3rd and 4th block I’m completely shot. It’s weird how the littlest things drain me everyday. I spend the rest of the night on the couch, usually I fall asleep for a while. Then the whole day repeats itself.

I just feel like I am at the point where I’m struggling to find anything that makes me happy. I wrote a blog this past week that I will be posting soon about finding what makes you happy, but now I feel like I lied. Everything I found that makes me happy, is now out of reach. I finally got to the point where I was no longer counting on others for my happiness, but creating it, and now it’s been stripped away from me. Running makes me so happy, it’s an outlet. But now I’m too sick to even do it. That’s what hit me the hardest, I no longer feel like I have control of my happiness.

Honestly, I know that even if life wasn’t like this right now, I would still be depressed, maybe not as bad, but still, changes would need made. In my mind it’s so much easier to blame it on everything else, though. Today, I decided to go out and run. I felt I had a bit of energy to put towards it, plus I wanted to boost my mood, which running always does. Today though, it didn’t. I would barely even call that a run, I was walking more than half the time. All I could think was why can I not do this? Why did I feel so sick? Why can something I love so much hate me back?

With this, my mind started spiraling. I got to thinking about track, how could I ever expect to have a season when I can’t even get through a school day? It kills me to think it will end up like cross country, an unfinished start. The thing that hurts the most is how much expectations I put on running. This was supposed to be MY year. It was supposed to be perfect. Why is this happening?

One thing I have never admitted, but is constantly running through my mind is a job. I am almost 16, about to start driving, I need a source of income. Plus, I want EVERYTHING. My mom always tells me how I need a job sooner than later, I just kind of ignore it. What goes through my mind when thinking about it is, how? How am I supposed to have a job when I can’t even get through a day of school. At school I can go to the nurse if I need, I can zone out, I can just blow things off, because the only person that affects is me. It’s not that I am being lazy when I do this, but my body is just extremely overwhelmed. The thought of having to work all day, plus having to do a good job because I can and will get fired if I don’t, is scary. What I do would no longer just affect me. I have to say I worry about this way more often than I should.

Along with that, the amount of anxiety I have is insane. I try so hard not to let it show, but it’s also not really a visible anxiety. The biggest thing is, it’s centered around being sick. For the longest time I’ve made sure to not leave the house without tums or ibuprofen, because I am that scared of getting sick and not being in a place where I can fix it. That’s why I tend to be more of a homebody, if I go anywhere it has to be somewhere I’m comfortable. I get so nervous going to the movies, restaurants that are over 15 minutes away, vacations, or even just going to the beach. It’s like I have something in my brain telling me everything that could possibly go wrong. I have missed out on countless opportunities simply because I’m scared to get a sick spell.

At this point, I have dug myself a deep hole that I am struggling to get out of. The hardest part for me is being able to admit that yes, it is all on me. Even though everything that I can’t control going has my life a lot harder, I am still the one who has to figure out how to fix it. I still don’t know how I will and I am just sitting here hoping to be back in school soon, thinking maybe that will help even the slightest bit. Mainly I just miss having someone there to help and to talk to, aside from my family. Maybe we will be back in school, maybe that will help, maybe not. All I know is that I have to make the change.

I really just wanted to make sure I was being completely honest with these blogs. I definitely am not living how I know I could be, and I have a lot of things to work on. Really, it’s not easy. Your brain has a lot of power over you, it’s your choice to decide to take control. Now it’s my turn to take control and start doing things to benefit me. Mind over matter. You can change more than you think.