joy comes in the mourning

I'm sure you’ve all heard the phrase “joy comes in the morning.”

Most commonly quoted from Psalm 30:5.

I first heard it this past summer in a song.  And because it was a song, I didn’t know how the word “morning” was spelled. 

So initially, I assumed it was “mourning.”

“Joy comes in the mourning.”

Hm, that’s nice, I thought. 

That’s nice, I thought, as I was in the car wrestling with fear after getting stuck at a hospital in Notre Dame.  After floaters invaded my eyes, my words got lost in my throat, and my right side went numb. 

That’s nice. 

5 hours away from home.  In a town foreign to me.  About to get on the highway and make the drive home.

I thought I was going to die. 

And all I could think was: Why again? Why right now?

It pains me to even think back to it.  I feel the same pit in my stomach now as I did that day, as I laid numb in the car. 

I was 5 hours from home.  I was supposed to have surgery the next day.  It was not supposed to be this way. 

But it was.  And I had to get through it. 

And through tears, I told my parents yes. 

Do you need to go to the hospital?

Yes. 

That choice was the biggest surrender of all. 

It was admitting I had no control. 

I didn’t want this.  I wanted to get home.  I wanted to have a normal body.  A normal life.  But I couldn’t.  No matter how much I wanted to, I knew I couldn’t.  

So to the hospital I went.

And though I had the best nurses and doctors (a clear gift from God), I still was overwhelmed with fear.  

The most petrifying kind of fear: fear because I had no control.  

Which, I could argue is the source of fear.  Lack of control.  Fear because of the unknown.

Because we don’t know.

But, God does.

God knows there is joy in the mourning.

Fast forward a long 4 hours later.  Finally leaving the hospital to start the 5-hour trek home.  The thought still haunts me.  

5 hours stuck in a car, in my head, feeling like I was going to die.  

It wasn’t long before I realized I would not make it through without God.  

So every time my mind started to panic, I surrendered it all to God.  I prayed, prayed, and prayed.  Because I knew each second I wasn’t praying, I was losing.  Losing this battle of my body, and my mind.  Because I can’t control what only God can.  I can’t know the unknown.  

So I had to have Faith.  I had to trust that God would bring joy in my mourning.

I spent the last hour of the drive in the backseat with my mom, eyes glued shut praying while my mom rubbed my head.  

And that’s when the song came on.  “Joy in the morning” (mourning).  

And I thought to myself how lucky I was.

How lucky I was to have parents who halted their travel plans to take me to the hospital– and to stay there with me the whole time.  And to have a brother who patiently waited in the car in the parking lot, even though he had plans to get home that day.  

How lucky I was to have parents to hold my hand while I panicked as medications were pushed in my IV.  Parents to hold me as I cry in fear.  Parents to comfort me the whole drive home.  Parents who pray for me when I can’t find the words to pray myself.  

And how lucky was I to have a home I was so eager to get back to.  To have a boyfriend who was waiting and praying for me to get home safely.  And to have a life that–even though it isn’t how I thought it would be–I didn’t want to miss. 

How lucky was I?

In the middle of my suffering, I felt joy.  I felt comfort, I felt love, I felt God.

In a way that I could only feel in the mourning.

There’s joy in the mourning.

A special kind of joy.  One that cannot be found in the peaceful moments.

If you’ve read some of my past blogs, you probably see this as a recurring theme throughout my writings.  Though, it’s also such an easy thing to forget when in the depths of the darkest valley.  I know I find myself rereading my past blogs, struggling to believe what I once knew with certainty.  

But, God always finds a way to show me again and again.  To show me His love, and His faithfulness.  Because He is the only one who can bring joy in the mourning.  And He sure is the best at it.

I don’t know what hardship or troubles you may be going through right now, but I know one thing: God is using it for the greater good.  No matter how far off that may seem right now.  

I not only am saying this, I know it.  Because I’ve lived it.  And I continue to live it again and again.

And God never fails to come through and bring joy in the mourning.  

This year, I am reading through the Bible in chronological order.  A few weeks ago, I finished Genesis.  The story of Joseph never fails to amaze me time and time again.  If you are in the midst of what feels like a never ending battle, I urge you to read Genesis 37-50.  God was with Joseph through each and every one of the enemy’s attempts to break him.  And He is there with you now through whatever troubles you are facing.  You just have to look for Him.