(finally) letting the ground rest

Because I’m tired of time moving without me

“It can be so hard to move forward when you are hurting or angry…

May God grant you the peace and wisdom you need in order to take your next steps in love.”

I was hurt for a long time.

Hurt that God hasn’t healed me.

Hurt that God took them from me.

Hurt that God isn’t here for me.

And I let that destroy me for even longer.

It sent me into a spiral.

I didn’t understand why God left me in the rubbish.

I don’t understand why He hasn’t pulled me out of it yet.

If He really is the “way maker,” why can’t I find the way?

I figured there could only be two possible answers to all of this:

1. God hates me

2. God is dead

But, after some time, I discovered that God couldn’t possibly be dead…

I had no proof.

So, if God’s not dead, then that leaves me with only one possible explanation:

God hates me.

So, He must hate me.

Even while I held onto the understanding that His Truth is the Truth,

I still failed to understand why the “good news of Jesus Christ” was good news to just about everyone, except me.

Because God still hasn’t healed me yet.

So, how could He really be a good God?

How could such an all powerful, loving God, sit back and watch me fade away?

All the while I’m crying out for His saving.

Stuck between a rock and a hard place.

Let me paint the picture here:

I now know that our Lord and Savior does in fact exist, and is in fact living… yet somehow my Savior is still failing to save me.

I know His Truth is true… but I’m struggling to believe it.

Because believing this Truth would mean accepting the fact that it is still true even if I am never healed.

And that’s a hard truth to accept.

Because how could a good God really be a good God if all He does is watch me suffer?

And there poses the question.

“Are you seeking God solely for healing… or are you seeking God for God alone?”

Is God still a good God even if He doesn’t heal you?

Can He be?

And it all came crashing down.

And I found myself no longer wanting to hear of all of God’s miracles…

Because even though they are meant to bring hope,

I found they only brought me anger.

Because I didn’t want to hear about all the people God saved while He still wasn’t saving me.

“When we are walking through the storm, it can be hard to live with hope…

In our minds, we can know that there is hope in God, but getting that knowledge from our heads to our hearts is not always easy.” -You Shall Recover by John Eckhardt

But a single moment is all it takes

Because what do we have if not hope?

Maybe that “hope” is beyond this world.

Maybe “healing” isn’t in God’s plan for me while on this side of Heaven.

And maybe “God’s saving” will be me dying.

Because this is an evil, sinful world we live in.

And we are all dealt a different hand of cards.

And it is all for a reason.

The good… as well as the bad.

Because this world is not our home.

And it was never meant to be permanent.

We were (are) promised more.

And that’s the hope we need to hold onto.

God may never heal me.

Or you.

And that’s a hard thing to say– and an even harder truth to accept–

but life on this earth was never meant to be it.

There is more beyond the hardships of this life.

Because this world will never be perfect, or fair.

It can’t be.

That’s why God gave us Heaven.

Because there’s so much more than right now.

And that’s the hope I’ll hold onto.

I don’t know how to be in this world.

But, I have faith that God has so much more in store for us…

(just maybe on the other side of Heaven).