I-79

July 31, 2023

For the past year now, I’ve really struggled to sit down and write these blogs. I thought it was merely writer's block–and that I’d get over myself soon enough–but the feeling has yet to go away.

The more I reflect on this thought, the more confused I begin to be. Why is this happening? What changed?

I let the “why” consume me more than the actual fact of the matter itself: I could no longer write.

Am I burnt out? Was this whole writing thing just another phase? Is this not my passion anymore? Or have I just forgotten how to do it right?

Ultimately: I don’t know. And the pressure I’ve put on figuring out why I don’t know has only made the problem worse.

Pressure. It has the power to grow, or kill.

Though, one thing I have noticed as I’ve dissected my writing the past 12 months: I’m no longer writing to write. I’m writing to perform.

To prove.

And it’s great, because it’s allowed me to discover more of my own writing style, and indulge in the literacy of writing in a whole new way. But, by doing so, I have lost the art. The emotion. The depth.

I’ve lost the reality. Everything that once made my writing so real–so raw.

I started seeing that rawness as a weakness, rather than a strength.

Because I felt that’s what I needed to fix, in order to prove.

But, sometimes I’m wrong.

And sometimes, I just need to sit down and write.

Like the good ol’ days. Time to take my art back.

August 1, 2023

Nostalgia

The longing to go back to a particular period of time.

There’s something about the past that makes us so often long to go back to it.

“The good ol’ days” is an expression used to describe anything and everything that was once the present, but now is the past.

But it’s interesting that the “good ol’ days” only become the good ol’ days once those days are gone.

So in that present moment, were they really that good?

Or is it those moments now being of the past, what puts them above the here and now?

This thought has been running circles through my mind for the past few months. It’s astonishing how much weight the past puts onto the present. And it’s even more astonishing that what is past can never be present again. No matter how hard you try and make it be.

This summer, I thought I could make a future of the past.

And because of that, I lost the present.

Last summer

Wake up

Grab energy drink, books, and pour a bowl of coco pebbles, all to take out to back deck.

Sit and flip back and fourth from books to Bible, in between bites of coco pebbles and sips of energy drinks.

After Mom finishes tutoring, head inside to shower and get ready for the day–all to just end up laying in the pool, reading and talking (love you Mom and Aunt Shelly).

Head in once UV hours are up, put some after sun lotion on, and change into that big red t-shirt and those black shorts (same as usual).

Then after all that, head on back out to back deck, and start reading once again.

Maybe now leave the house and carry out whatever adventure awaits for the day. Or, if not, grab a plate for dinner and sit out on back deck once again, and enjoy the evening sun with Mom and Dad.

Catch the sun set either at home or somewhere by the lake, then once the sun says goodnight and the air gets crisp, either grab that camera and go out hunting for the moon, or grab those books once again to read until the melatonin kicks in.

That was my summer 2022.

And, for some reason, it was perfect.

And, for some reason, summer 2023 was not the same.

No matter how hard I tried.

Summer 2023 was not summer 2022. And I mourned that fact.

But, at the same time, summer 2023 was everything I could have wished for and more.

Yet, my heart still hurt at the fact that it wasn’t quite the same as it was.

Because the good ol’ days were gone.

But I can’t help but think, if summer 2023 came before 2022, would I be longing for it in the same way? Am I only longing for the past because it is not the present?

September 13, 2023

Expectations

The hope or belief that something will happen or be the case in the future.

Today as I drove home from my doctors appointment, that long drive up Interstate 79, I couldn’t help but think one thing: it was not supposed to be this way.

If you live in the Erie area, I’m sure you know where all Interstate 79 can get you. It seems like just about everywhere between here and Pittsburgh comes back to 79.

But, for me, that drive down 79 was for one place and one place only: Grove City College.

I practiced that drive every chance I get. From home, to Grove City, to home. I mapped it out to a-T, as if to reassure myself that Grove City College would be my future. Because it was meant to be. That’s where I thought I was meant to be.

Until it wasn’t.

And now that drive down 79 is back to being the very thing it always was: A reminder that I am sick.

Because before that drive was appointed to Grove City and Grove City only, it was the drive to my doctors office.

And the catch is, it never wasn’t. As much as I tried to convince myself otherwise, I knew deep down that I only knew I-79 so well because I have been sick so long. And that’s no fact Grove City can change.

But I wanted it to.

And I expected it to.

Because I was meant to be there. And I was meant to be better.

But I’m not.

And now, I’m not anywhere, actually.

Now I am here. Making this drive down 79 and back. Weekly. Again.

Just like it always was.

September 18, 2023

And like it’s meant to be.

Maybe sometimes it’s meant to be how it always was.

And maybe other times, it’s not.

This time, I thought it wasn’t. I never thought I was meant to still be here.

But, no matter how much I may think that, it doesn’t make it true.

And sometimes, it just takes letting go to realize that.

The other day after I wrote about that I-79 drive, I went on a run.

(Ok, it was barely what I would call a “run,” but it’s the best I got right now)

And I ran those same few roads in my neighborhood– the same roads I’ve been running since 5th grade–and I thought to myself, One year ago today, all I wanted to do was get out.

And it was funny because just a few weeks ago, all I wanted to do was stay.

After a sudden scare that made both me and my parents both think, What if the house is why I am still sick?

Now, for those of you who don’t know, I have been sick since I was 7 years old, and my illness has pretty much dictated my life since then. It was initially caused by concussions I endured as a kid, which then weakened my immune system and made me more susceptible to the mycotoxins in the environment, the most prominent being black mold. As I’ve gotten older, doctors have been able to understand the severity of my illness, basically concluding that I am in the 0.5% of mold toxicity cases.

All that to say, I am hypersensitive to everything in my environment. And even though my house is just about as well-maintained and spotless as you can get, we realized that still may not be good enough for my sick body.

After a week and a half of being out of my house and lots of back and fourths on what to do next, the realization hit me.

It was only days before my family was about to move from our 3 bedroom house in my hometown with a fenced in back yard for our dog, to a 2 bedroom apartment on the 3rd floor of an apartment complex 20 minutes out from where I grew up.

It was only going to be temporary, until we could find a new place that would hopefully be healthy enough or build one, but the odds of that where too low for me. I did not want fear to be the dictator of this decision. And to move away from everything I have known so sporadically with such unknown odds was something I could not find any peace in.

And at the end of the day, that’s what it’s about: peace; peace from God.

And during that run, after such a hard drive that reminded me of every failed expectation I’ve endured, all I felt was peace.

I reflected on all that once was, and all that I thought would be, and realized: it doesn’t have to be how it used to be, or how I hoped it would be. It could just simply be what it was meant to be.

This is how it was meant to be.

Even though I am living in a room full of air purifiers and nothing but a bed, desk, and storage bins full of all of my clothes and belongings, I am here. In the house I’ve grown up in. In the place I’m meant to be.

And even though I am not attending college at Grove City–and am actually now not attending college anywhere–I know that in this season, this is where God wants me to be. This is where I need to be. Home, and healing. And having peace through it all.

And maybe this summer wasn’t what I thought it would be. Maybe I thought I wouldn’t be as sick as I was. But, maybe it was what I needed to decide that now is the time to take control, and fight back. To finally put my foot down and decide it’s time to focus 100% on healing my body, so that one day, I will have the ability to be all that I hope to be.

And truthfully, even though this summer I was sick, it still brought so much good. I was sick, but unlike last summer, I was not alone. I had my people–maybe not many, but my people. That I am forever thankful for.

A little over a month ago, I wrote about nostalgia

The other day, I wrote about expectations.

Both have dictated my life throughout the years in one way or another. And I’ve learned they go hand and hand in more ways than one.

But, neither are realistic ways of thinking. They are more so an idealists attempt to gain hope. Which in hindsight, isn’t a bad thing. But hindsight 2020 tells us that such a way of thinking sometimes leaves us dead in our own pool (poor Mr. Gatsby).

All that to say, neither dwelling in the past, nor the future, allows us to live in the present. It’s an equation that simply doesn’t add up. (Written mathematically, past + future ≠ present.)

But, for reasons I am not qualified enough to explain, it seems much easier to focus on the past and future, than the present. I’m willing to believe most people would agree with me here when I say it takes work to focus on the present. It takes intentionality.

Why?

November 27, 2023

So much change has happened in my life since I last wrote on this blog.

The leaves all changed, and then died and fell. The green grass began to brown, and then was covered by a blanket of white snow. The sun changed it’s bedtime. The holiday season began in full swing.

And for those of you who don’t already know, change is so hard for me… even if it’s changing for the better.

While writing this blog I’ve realized many things. One being how much nostalgia and expectations affect my ability to accept change. And perhaps that’s the case for many others, too.

Though, I still don’t quite know why.

I still don’t quite know why it’s human nature to dwell in the past or long for the future. Maybe that’s just another lie the devil has spoken into this world. Perhaps, a way to drag us down, and further us from God.

As it says in one of my favorite (and first read) books of the Bible:

“We should make the most of what God gives, both the bounty and the capacity to enjoy it, accepting what’s given and delighting in the work. It’s Gods gift! God deals out joy in the present, the now.” Ecclesiastes 5:19 MSG

Ecclesiastes is known as one of the most depressing books of the Bible… yet for that very reason I love it. On the surface, it seems as if the writer is a pessimistic, cynical human who has no joy. And though that may be true in part, the bigger message being portrayed is the fact that apart from God, there is no joy.

Sometimes I wonder if I long to go back to certain seasons of my life simply because I was closer to God during them. And often times, I was only closer to God then because that season of my life was so devastating and lonely that I had no other choice but surrender all and trust in Him.

Other times, I wonder if I long for the future because I think I will be closer to God in the next season. As if it takes hitting a certain milestone, or being at a certain place to truly be in the presence of God.

Both these ideologies are far from the truth; even as true as they may feel sometimes. There is no better time to trust and surrender to God than right now. In this present moment. No matter how much different it feels than it once was, or how far it is from what should or could be, God is in the here and now. Right now. It just takes having the Faith to believe it.